Dealing With New

one of many new things -- SF Giant's games!

New. That word is so scary. As someone who has experienced anxiety basically all of her life, new is synonymous with negative. New leads to planning (anxiety), to logistics (anxiety), to getting out of your comfort zone (anxiety), and to things you're unfamiliar with (the biggest anxiety trigger of all).

Unfortunately, if you have anxiety it can be exhausting to convince yourself that new is also good! Whether you're telling yourself that you're going to hate a new job that's actually perfect for you or trying to back out of plans because they seem "too difficult", it can be so difficult to keep irrational thoughts like this at bay.

In the spirit of honestly, I'm just going to go ahead and say that moving has been terrible for my anxiety. Simple tasks like finding a new store or dropping off a package seem like insurmountable obstacles that I don't have the energy to tackle. I haven't had to make plans with actual humans yet since I haven't met many people, but I'm sure when that day comes it will be a tall hurdle as well. If I plan things for Harley and I, I get anxious about my plans not being fun enough or cool enough or Instagrammable enough. If I don't plan things, I get anxious about wasting the prime of my life and allowing my anxiety to dominate me. I literally cannot win some days!

All that being said, I want this to be a testament to how much you should push yourself to tackle the obstacles. Climb the hurdle and do the scary thing. Find the new grocery store and buy yourself a bottle of rosé. Don't let your fear hold you back from things, because there is so much to explore!

We have done so much since we've gotten here, and almost all of it has been because I'm determined to push past my planning anxiety. There are so many sights and events and restaurants, it seems like a crime to spend a pretty Saturday indoors. Yes, figuring out how to get to all of these things is nerve-wracking, and yes, sometimes I convince myself that my idea is stupid and we shouldn't bother. What I try to do in those moments is remind myself that the experiences are why I'm here, and I should make the most of it. I am 21 years old and living in one of the coolest cities in America. Sure, getting around can be a hassle and I could sit at home and let that deter me, or I could go do the fun thing because it's an experience and I know that I ultimately will be glad I did.

Ultimately I want to live a fun, exciting life that makes me happy, and I'm going to do that with or without my anxiety trying to ruin it! Or at least if I am going to be anxious regardless, I can do so walking around the city with ice cream instead of just sitting at home.